Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
