I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
