Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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