i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
