just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
