# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
