Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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