last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
high people should be assigned attendants
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
