Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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