I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
