do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
