Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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