i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
