His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
