i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How external is "for external use only"?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
