i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
