Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
