U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
