So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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