Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
