Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
