Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
