Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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