Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
