He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
