I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
