I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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