Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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