There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
