Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
