Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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