Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
