Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm bleeding and have questions
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
