Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
