Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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