Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
