how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
