i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
