Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
