I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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