Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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