So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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