im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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