i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
