With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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