Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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