Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
