Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
