new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
