Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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