I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
