Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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