is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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